Outraged Mayors Decide Only Shops With Real Coffee Can Remain Open

A unanimous decision has been reached amongst the mayors of several key Dutch municipalities, leading to the closure of all coffeeshops in the Netherlands, effective immediately, as of the official press conference held early Wednesday afternoon.

“We simply cannot handle no longer being allowed to smoke our tobacco-filled spliffs inside the shops,” one official told reporters. “One shop, even suggested I try to smoking a bong to protect my lungs from combusting paper, what an outrage! If I can’t smoke a fatty my way, no one else can either.”

“We were hoping to hold out until the government-sanctioned Wiet Experiment,” admits another official, “but it is not worth it to wait. We cannot sit idly by while our youth are encouraged to practice healthier smoking habits and alternative methods of consumption, such as medicinal concentrates and oils.”

“Some of them don’t even serve coffee,” chimed in another.

A committee is currently being assembled, to which coffeeshops can petition to remain open, if they are in fact selling top-quality coffee beverages.

Coffeeshops have been a cultural symbol cross the Netherlands since the mid 1970s.

Many changes have been happening across this industry over the past several years, including the closure of many shops and the impending government-sanctioned Wiet Experiment. What will happen next? We will soon find out!

Stay tuned.

Oh… and April Fools!!

Note: This is a spoof piece. Audio Kush has no knowledge of impending coffeeshop closures, other than the current limitations being put in place due to the current COVID-19 outbreak. The Government Wiet experiment is a real phenomenon, set to begin in 2021.